hide away

This was sent through to me by a friend….

Sometimes there is a longing to curl up in a comfy place and just be still and find a place to hide away from the grief, sadness and “overwhelming ness of this season..but instead we rest on the inside with a decision to trust. instead we rise with the decision to keep walking.and remind ourselves of the complete and utter faithfulness of God . And therefore the Lord [earnestly] waits [expecting, looking, and longing] to be gracious to you; and therefore He lifts Himself up, that He may have mercy on you and show loving-kindness to you. For the Lord is a God of justice. Blessed (happy, fortunate, to be envied) are all those who [earnestly] wait for Him, who expect and look and long for Him [for His victory, His favor, His love, His peace, His joy, and His matchless, unbroken companionship]! (Isaiah 30:18 AMP)

Yes…a lot of the time I’d like to hide under the bed and not come out. In fact, I think if I hadn’t had a toddler to chase and work to go to, I would have been hiding under the bed for the last 16 weeks of my pregnancy. In fact I think I did ‘hide away’ emotionally in a way for quite a bit of my pregnancy. Even now I still need days when it’s like that. Even with Zoe doing well now and us not being in danger of losing her any hour like in the first few days of her being here, there are still times when I seriously just want to lock myself in a room and not come out and HAVE to remind myself that even though I don’t understand why, why me, why Zoe, that God is working this out for his wonderful plan. What is it…well I may never know that. Maybe I will. It’s likely I won’t. I have to trust God on that. Pick myself up and keep going.

There are times when I can imagine what the psalmists felt like…in a different context of course, I’m not being chased by people with swords! This evening I felt like I have often done…like I’m fragile but I’m actually doing a little bit ok. Then something happens and it’s hard not to completely lose it. Tonight it was a (well-meaning) friend email me about how much she was enjoying her pregnancy and loving baby shopping and couldn’t wait to meet her new baby. Although I’m happy for her- it was hard to read. I ended up having to put it in a folder to get it out of my sight. I might be able to answer it at some point when I’m not so fragile, but for now I think I’m just going to have to be a bit rude and not answer it for a while. I kind of feel like I’m being kicked when I’m down though when I get emails like this (there have been a few similar ones) and I have to ask, God, why- I’ve seriously been through all this, and although might be doing a little bit better I’m still at a pretty low point here, and then I have to have all the things I missed out on-like enjoying being pregnant, baby shopping, actually looking forward to meeting my baby- thrown in my face like that. Maybe I’m being a bit sensitive? But it does sting to get stuff like this. A lot.

(but I should say I really don’t have anything against the person that sent me the email, she is actually a really lovely friend! Just someone that has never been through anything even vaguely similar to this, was completely well intentioned, and probably thought I would have loved her update- and in most other times I would have.)

It’s hard at the moment to be around a lot of people, actually. I find I don’t want to go and meet new people, if they don’t a) already know our background, or b) aren’t someone we meet in the hospital ward or at Ronald McDonald house. Mike went to an old friend’s birthday last week. We weren’t going to go but thought as we were two suburbs away we should send him as our representative. He came back saying he wished he hadn’t gone- it was too hard to enjoy himself, make small talk with people (oh, you’re mowing the lawn and going out for dinner this weekend? Me?  Oh, I’ll spend it with my child in hospital who has renal failure and is on round the clock dialysis) and see people bringing along their newborns. Even on the Internet it can be hard. I’ve ‘unfollowed’ just about everyone on facebook who is pregnant or has newborns as it’s just been too hard for me to look at. I originally joined a group for people with babies due in October, and I think that might be a group I’ll have to leave soon. It’s becoming a bit hard to see everyone else go home with their babies and talk about ‘normal’ things that people who take their healthy babies home get to do.

It’s hard, and I know I’m going to have to get used to it. Just keep trusting, God, I might never know why all this has happened..but I do believe…you are working through it.

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