tomorrow

so I’ve got my next appointment tomorrow…
So hard to not ring and cancel. But it’s been six weeks since I went down and I probably am leaving it way too long between antenatal appointments if I leave it any later, especially at 31 weeks.
Why don’t I want to go? I think I’d be happier being like an ostrich at the moment, that hides their head in the sand to avoid what’s going on around them!
(Not that I’m sure if they really do that..but still!)
I guess I’m just too scared to find out anything more. Too scared to see whether my amniotic fluid levels are going up or down.
It seems a funny juxtaposition- on one hand I want to bury my head (or crawl under the bed and not emerge again) but at the same time I want to know everything. I want them to tell me exactly what’s going to happen, and when. I don’t want any uncertainty. I either want it one way or the other- avoiding everything as much as possible or knowing everything. That sounds really strange. Emotions all over the place, much?
And I know they’re not going to be able to tell me that. They won’t tell me anything I want to know, maybe a couple of things I don’t want to know/ don’t want to hear about that’ll further mess me up, and I’ll leave wondering why in the world I drove 3.5 hours each way to go to this thing, apart from to get ticked off to say I rocked up to an appointment.
Jesus, I am really going to need you to get me through tomorrow, in fact even to get me there in the first place.

My grace is enough; it’s all you need.
My strength comes into its own in your weakness.

2 Corinthians 12 (MSG)

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