getting easier. in a way

It’s been a couple of weeks (again) since I wrote anything. I’m actually doing pretty well under the circumstances. I’m 31 weeks now, and I’ve had more than two months to deal with the diagnosis and accept the reality. Sure, I’m still struggling with it all. I’m still struggling with the uncertainty. With the likely bad prognosis. Dreading what might be to come. Grieving the future with this baby that we more than likely won’t have. How it’s going to affect A.

Although, it’s getting easier in a way. Since I turned 30 weeks I haven’t been able to hide this bump any more. It’s like something happened and I just popped out. God was certainly merciful in letting me hide it for so long, though. I can’t remember when I popped out with A, but it was definitely much earlier than this. Being winter still, I can still sort of semi-disguise it under long scarves and cardigans, but there’s no hiding the fact that I’m getting to be quite heavily pregnant. But, here’s the funny thing, I’m not dreading people commenting any more. I can actually smile and answer people’s questions (to a certain point) without getting upset about it, and without feeling the need to get into too much detail about it. There are some comments (‘You’re going to be busy!’ ‘Is A excited about a younger sibling?’) that make me still cringe slightly, but I can answer simple stranger’s questions about how many weeks I am, is this my first baby etc much more easily now.

I still don’t know what to expect. It’s really hard to find people’s stories of bilateral MCDK. I guess as the vast majority of babies are terminated, there really isn’t much online. I found some stories in the medical journals but the details are only sketchy at best, and not very optimistic. There don’t seem to be any support groups online specifically for this condition- not any that I’ve been able to find anyway, and I’ve searched Google so many times I think I must be going slightly crazy. I’m supposed to be going back down to Adelaide on Friday, which I’m really dreading, but as I cancelled the last appointment and it’s now been six weeks since I was last down there I suppose I had better go. In a way I want to know everything…but in a way I don’t want to know anything. I think leaving my appointment last time being so disappointed they couldn’t give me any more information didn’t help either. This time I’m going to gear myself up for coming back from Adelaide on Friday afternoon none the wiser as to when I went down on Friday morning and hopefully I won’t leave as disappointed this time.

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