I might come back to some of these verses, and write a bit more on them, in the future. Right now I’ve just been looking at 2 Samuel 12: 13-17. I think I need to write a bit about some of the verses that I’ve been looking at/ have been pointed out to me- sometimes it helps to actually see something about them written down, even if my thoughts are a bit all over the place at the time.
Then David said to Nathan, “I have sinned against the LORD.”
Nathan replied, “The LORD has taken away your sin. You are not going to die. But because by doing this you have made the enemies of the LORD show utter contempt, the son born to you will die.”
After Nathan had gone home, the LORD struck the child that Uriah’s wife had borne to David, and he became ill. David pleaded with God for the child. He fasted and went into his house and spent the nights lying on the ground. The elders of his household stood beside him to get him up from the ground, but he refused, and he would not eat any food with them.
I guess there are some pretty obvious differences between my situation and David’s situation here. I mean, this isn’t a DIRECT result of some specific action like David’s adultery with Bathsheba, (although I know it’s a direct result of the Fall and sin entering the world…but apart from Eve eating the apple it’s not like it can be traced back to one specific thing I did, like drinking a massive amount of alcohol in first trimester or anything (which, for the record, I didn’t)).
But rather than point out the differences, which I could probably spend all of A’s ‘rest time’ doing, I want to point out what I got out of it. This is the couple of lines that really spoke to me (the rest I really just popped in for a bit of context)
David pleaded with God for the child. He fasted and went into his house and spent the nights lying on the ground. The elders of his household stood beside him to get up from the ground, but he refused, and he would not eat any food with him.
I don’t intend to mirror David’s exact actions, but it appears that David did everything he could for the child. In an era devoid of the medical knowledge, specialist referrals, drugs, rah rah rah and everything else we have now, David only could turn to God. He pleaded, fasted, lay on the ground humbling himself before God for the child. In short, I’m not sure he could do anything else for the child. Write a psalm? (As an aside, after I wrote that I looked it up and it turned out he did – Psalm 51). So, everything he could do.
This spoke to me earlier on last week, when we were still figuring out what to do re. Terminate or not. This is quite hard for me to write. I have always thought of myself as the sort of person who WOULD continue with a pregnancy with huge medical problems. But, I hate to say, after our appointment the week before last we did actually give serious thought to terminating. Somehow the lines of what I once thought were black and white became a slightly blurry shade of grey after meeting with different specialists who all told us that it would be a ‘very reasonable thing to do in these circumstances’ hearing about the poor prognosis and likely that baby won’t live long even if I was to carry to term, and the worst- what if we have to choose between palliative care at birth and a slow death vs. a death now which would at least be quick. Trust me, it’s pretty horrific when what you might actually be forced to do is choose the way in which your baby dies (and if anyone reads this I apologise for writing in such a blunt way).
Ultimately, after much prayer, tears, sleepless nights, (aren’t I sounding dramatic) we decided to carry on and give baby a chance. This is where this passage speaks to me. David did everything he could for the child. By terminating, would I be doing everything I could for the child? Definitely not. Although the prognosis wasn’t what we wanted to hear, the specialists couldn’t tell us 1oo% exactly what baby’s renal function would be like at birth and what exactly would happen. Plus, God CAN and does work miracles. We need to hang on to that little bit of a chance- that little bit of hope and, although our hands are really tied as to what we can do at 22 weeks, terminating isn’t doing ‘everything we can do for the child’. Continuing with the pregnancy, and lifting it all up to God, IS.
I probably sound really optimistic right now, and there’s a good chance the next post I write won’t be half as optimistic. I’ve been going through some really difficult days and I know they’re nowhere near over yet. Writing about how a passage of Scripture is speaking to me really does help, I’ll do that again. But for now, I know I need to do everything I can for this baby. By lifting the child up like David did; by pleading with God for the child; and by ultimately continuing with this pregnancy and, whether He does or not, playing my part and giving God the room to work a miracle.